The 'Nice Girl' Dilemma: Reflections from 6 Months of Job Interviews

One thing that I've come to realise in the last six months of job searching, is that I need to get better at selling myself. I am pleased with the amount of interviews I get invited to, but it seems to inevitably result in feedback along the lines of:

"It was really nice to meet you, but we've gone for someone with more relevant experience."

The more times I heard variations of this feedback, the more I was irked into frustration with myself and my inability to communicate. As an autistic woman, communication is something I struggle with. Writing is my best mode of communication and thus, in terms of writing cover letters and application forms, I seem to come across well. However, it's the dreaded interview that frightens me.

I often find that those who have worked with me before are the world's best cheerleaders for me. However, when presented in a job interview I don't have their generous words to back me up, it's all down to me shining as brightly as I can. And yet, I struggle to communicate what I offer to organisations well enough.

Recently I've been thinking about why this is. As I reflected on my late autistic diagnosis two years ago, I've been viewing my social behaviour through a slightly different lens. The reason my diagnosis went uncovered for so long, was because I was an A-grade 'masker.' This meant that I was able to 'mask' my autistic tendencies through copying others - their mannerisms, their behaviours, their speech. In doing so, I picked up what things were and weren't acceptable, and what tends to make you more and less likeable as a person.

The "nice girl"

In school I always had raving reports, about how I was such an easy and studious student. My classmates often referred to be as being 'so nice.' This was an identity that has stuck with me, and is problematic in some ways.

The thing is, when I think of what it is to 'be nice' in society, particularly as a woman, and even more so as a Black woman, it is to be unremarkable, to fit in and to go with the tide. Raising your voice, causing ripples, bringing attention to yourself, goes against this kind of behaviour. No, being nice is to step back in order to let others shine. For a long time this was where I was most comfortable.

The feminist dilemma

Now, let's cut back to the present capitalist society we live in. I am in my late twenties, having being awarded two degrees with 9 years of work experience and I am unemployed. I am applying for jobs, looking for a leadership position to help me progress, whilst also setting up a freelance business to tide me over.

People want leaders to 'lead' funnily enough. Not to fade into the background. They want someone they can put their confidence in, who has the skills and expertise to take their organisation forwards. And thus, in interviews, it is necessary to present a persona that portrays strength, confidence, vibrance and steadfastness. These are somewhat contradictory to the 'nice girl' vibe aforementioned.

In addition to this, I am aware of not only the motherhood penalty, but the perceived motherhood penalty, that someone of my age is likely to be accustomed to. Not only, as a woman, am I fighting against the traits society taught me were most acceptable, I'm fighting against preconceptions around whether I might be pregnant soon. It's a lot.

And so, I am beginning a journey of putting myself out there and selling myself to others, starting with this blog post. Next month I will be sharing my website, which will portray what freelance services I offer, as well as showcasing some of my creative work. And in the meantime I will be practising how to unleash my vibrancy, skills and expertise in a way that better communicates that I'm not just a 'nice girl.'